Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit
The more you eat, the more you TOOOOOOOOOOOOT
And from what I have gathered over the last month of pillaged and looted canned goods aisles at the grocery stores, y’all are tootin’ up a veritable shitstorm literally and figuratively. COVID-19 is wild, y’all.
For someone who has an unpleasant cornucopia of anxiety disorders, including a lifelong existential fear of dying in something like, oh, say, nuclear apocalypse or A FUCKING PANDEMIC, I have actually felt weirdly very zen about all of this. It’s like my anxiety has been training me for this moment, and it’s just me livin’ my worst life. It’s not at all like Mad Max: Fury Road (yet) or the scary part of ET when the feds come in and do bad fed shit to that little wrinkly rascal, which is how my bastard of an imagination has always (regularly, sadly) envisioned this kind of thing. Trauma is wild, man.
Wow, and this post got very real, very fast, didn’t it? Came here looking for something good to eat, and yet you leave knowing more about my mental health than you ever probably cared to.
And you thought you’d be in for a fun-lovin’ post chockfull of fart puns and gas gags. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Extra credit: Have you ever watched the Family Dollar version of ET, Mac and Me? It’s the best/worst. If you haven’t watched the Mac and Me MST3K episode on Netflix, I need you to burn rubber like you’re a soda-slurpin’ alien driving a toy car like an extra in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift to get away from a pack of neighborhood dogs to race to the TV for a viewing party and THEN come back to read about ways to make all those damn beans you still have after a month of sheltering in place. PRETTY NICE!
So anyhoo, about those beans. I will leave it up to you to figure out how to cook your dried beans, for I don’t soak mine and you will never force me to and that is, apparently, controversial. Just be sure to throw some nice aromatics, like quartered onions and heads of garlic and bay leaves, into your dutch oven.
OH MY GOD NOT THAT KIND OF DUTCH OVEN! The cooking kind!
Plus, it’s not like we’re leaving our homes anytime soon, so why worry that you’ll be a noxious windbag for a day or two after indulging in said beans? It might be the only way to get a room to yourself at this point, if ya know what I mean.
Beans and Things
Refried beans with bacon and roasted poblano: Roast a poblano pepper over the burner until blackened and toasty on the outside; let cool, peel, chop. Sizzle a few strips of bacon in a skillet over medium heat until the fat has rendered and bacon is crispy. Remove bacon. Add 2 cups of beans and the chopped pepper to the bacon fat, smashing the beans to your desired texture. Add salt and a little Valentina, if you are so inclined. (Vegetarian? Just smash the beans with smoked paprika and a little vegetable stock instead.)
Garlicky white bean and giardiniera toast: Smash 2 cups of white beans with a drizzle of olive oil, red pepper flakes, and a few minced cloves of garlic. Season with salt to taste. Make some bread (I DUNNO LIKE MAYBE THIS) and toast a few slices, then top with the bean mixture and giardiniera.
Herby bean and celery salad: Toss white beans or chickpeas with thinly sliced celery and a blend of chopped herbs like dill, mint, chives, and parsley. Drizzle with olive oil and lemon, mixing well. Season with salt and pepper. I like this with fish or shrimp.
Crispy chickpeas with herby yogurt sauce: Get some chickpeas nice and crispy in your air fryer (or oven, whatevs), seasoning well with salt and olive oil before cooking. Mix 1/2 cup of plain yogurt with a few tablespoons of the aforementioned herby mix along with salt and lemon juice to taste. Serve over rice, polenta, or, my personal favorite, wheat berries.
Smoky bean soup: Make that pot of beans however you want, but season the eff out of that beany broth once they’re done cooking to make an easy soup. I like to spike mine with tons of hot sauce and smoked paprika. I serve over wilted greens or use a slotted spoon to use the flavorful, tender, smoky beans for…
NACHOS: Do I really have to explain this?