The Boney Ball
Behold! The Boney Ball has arrived on this fair blog. The myth. The legend. The icon. The… cheese ball?
These nostalgic treasures have enjoyed a bit of a renaissance in the last few years, but cheese balls have always held a special place in my heart. No, not because my arteries are clogged from all the Midwestern delicacies for which I live. This is my family’s iconic recipe, and now you can have it to enjoy all through the holiday season as was intended.
My great aunt Millie brought the recipe into our family decades ago as far as I know, and it has been a staple ever since. (I am prepared to be fact checked by my own mother in 3, 2…)
The holidays will always remind me of her. We spent most Christmas Eves in my childhood at uncle Jack and aunt Millie’s, enjoying our customary meal of chili, oyster stew, and two Boney family appetizer staples: a pickle-and-radish-laden relish tray and a cheese ball. They were the closest thing to grandparents on my dad’s side I ever had, and while I will never get over receiving a National Geographic subscription from them that one Christmas (not exactly a thrill for a tween girl, even one as deeply precocious and old at heart as I was), I love those memories.
Millie passed away two years ago around this time of year. I had taken a few years off from making The Boney Ball for parties and holidays, but now I make it regularly because it reminds me of her, especially her laugh.
If you think I have a distinct laugh, hers was even better, but in a soft, smoky, husky way that doesn’t frighten animals and small children. She’s probably the root of my passion for horror. When I was a kid, I would always read all of her Stephen King books she kept on a bookshelf in the basement. Also of note: They had an actual factual fully functional full-length bar with a soda gun and everything in their basement. (“That is the most Boney thing I’ve ever heard” is the correct response.)
My college BFF and roommate dubbed the cheese ball The Boney Ball eons ago, and the name has stuck ever since. Nothing about this recipe should work. Like, nothing. I think green peppers are Satan’s vegetable, and yet I gladly mow through this damn thing. Pineapple, Lawry’s, and cream cheese… together at last? Truly, who decided to put these things together? A goddamn trailblazer.
Promise me you will make one this year. Do it for Millie, okay?
The Boney Ball
Prep time: 15 minutes | Chill time: Overnight
2 blocks cream cheese (none of that low fat neufchatel bullshit)
1 20 oz. can crushed pineapple, very well drained
1/4 cup chopped red pepper
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
1/4 cup chopped white onion
1 tablespoon Lawry’s Seasoned Salt
3/4 cup pecans, finely chopped
In a large mixing bowl, remove cream cheese from wrappers and let soften until pliable.
In a fine mesh colander, squeeze the hell out of the pineapple. Seriously, do not skimp on this part. The less moisture, the better. Add drained pineapple to bowl with cream cheese.
Chop peppers and onion, preferably by hand. I find when I use a food processor it brings out too much water, which makes for a *shudder* slimy ball. Add to bowl with other ingredients.
Add Lawry’s to the mixing bowl. Wash your grubby mitts and dig in! Using nature’s mixers, combine all ingredients until fully incorporated and cohesive.
Form into a ball and roll in chopped pecans. (If it’s a little squishy, throw it in the fridge for a few minutes before you roll the ball in nuts… I am not mature enough for this post. Balls. Nuts. Balls. Nuts. Sorry, Millie.)
Cover in plastic wrap tightly and refrigerate at least overnight before serving. Best paired with buttery crackers (I like Ritz; my mom is a Club House kinda gal) and crunchy celery.
Can be made several days ahead of time, according to presiding Boney matriarch and bearer of The Boney Ball torch, my mom, Joanie Boney.